Smrtphone

I think this was one of the best things I have done in 2010.


My old phone didn't have a SIM card so I lost all my contacts and I need them back. So if you want to be on my phone, text me.


Cool.

Phone pre fire.

Battery shrapnel made it all the way into the kitchen.

Can you say OPERATION REPLACE CARPET.

Blast radius.

This was probably something explosively important.

So I bought an iPhone 4. Yay 2010.

My Finger - Part 2

I can make a fist again! Ring is off, I just couldn't stand the discomfort anymore. Plus a fist is way cooler than that weird claw thing I had going on. I literally had to choose smaller logs when stacking the firewood due to its misshapen, purple, ridiculousness.

Upon arriving at work I said enough was enough and I called Appletree health thingy cause they have their wait times online! Barrhaven's wait time was 5 minutes... that's about 5 minutes too long for Kevin to spend at a hospital place. Plus Farhaven... le no.

You see, hospitals and Kevin don't get along. Those are very long, very terrible stories probably best kept untold or in the minds of people who were there. People who have brought me, visited me or stitched me up in the bathroom of the Royal Oak on Hunt Club in the ladies room with supplies 'borrowed' from CHEO after the blood port... so many scars...

Let's try to stay on topic here.

So I called Appletree and asked if they had the required tools to remove a steel ring from my swollen finger. The answer was no, but the lady, being ever so nice, tried to trick me into going so I could get an assessment. I mean she was really pushing for an assessment.

I totally refused all her advice and self-diagnosed myself. She really didn't like that. Come to think of it, the whole conversation was like one of those 911 tapes that would be real entertaining to hear afterwards.

Assessment. Pffft. Hello lady, this is real life. I used the powers of observation to conclude that A) my finger hurt B) it was swollen and C) there was a ring on there I needed to get cut off. No tools, no service.

One Google later and I could tell that Home Depot sold 24" bolt cutters for about $50 that should do the trick.

Now, cause I'm such a wiener, I wanted to give it another day or two after taking some anti-inflammatory drugs and then maybe I could just pull it off. Once this plan B came into play, Dr. Drew stepped in and drove my broken ass to Home Depot where surgery would be performed.

AKA, doctor's office

You see, Drew loves Home Depot. He also loves to buy tools. Since I needed to get the bolt cutters, this meant I had a tool that Drew didn't so I would obviously win. Ya, we're weird like that.

But there must have been another reason he took me. For some reason, I just couldn't get the axe man scene from Four Rooms out of my head:


(I've only ruined 1/4 rooms...)

Soooo, here we go, documented of course!
 

Cut one

I have worn this ring everyday since the day I got it. Never have I gone 24 hours without it. Now that is good ring tan!

This shows the swelling compared to the size of said ring. Ya, even after 100 Aleve it wasn't going anywhere.

And what would this be without a video?

Hi mom! This one really isn't that gross so go ahead and watch it. No panicking phone calls please. Ah the interwebs.

Further Side #2

My Finger

So while I was in Boston, Jay and I were playing catch in the field before the game.

We were not that good.

So then we decided that we were tired and we started to drink more.

Then we decided to play more and this awesomeness happened!

Linked to the NECN where we were seen on tv!

Before too long at dusk, we decided to throw the ball around a bit more cause, well, we were pretty pumped for the game.


Alas! One throw I ended up losing the ball in the trees/darkness and the ball hit the tip of my finger. It fucking hurt. But I was ok cause I was drinking and the awesomeness of Monday night football and Fuck the Jets was too much to be overcome by physical pain.


So we went to the stadium and watched what was for us, the best game of football I have ever seen in a 45-3 trouncing of my least respected team, Fuck the Jets.


The very next day I woke up and WTF, my hand was a blaze!

I could move it, it didn't hurt to touch; So I was all good.


But Wednesday it hurt. Thursday it hurt. Fuck, right at this very moment it hurts. Especially since I am stacking 4 cords of wood with a broken hand. I sucks big time. Like a lot.


So now here we are at the point of this story.


I am more convinced than ever to cut off my iron ring which just happens to be on this busted finger. The swelling is; I've just had enough of this shit.


THE DILEMMA!


This is not my iron ring. You see, Dave was talking to me one fine driveway Sunday afternoon about this thing he did where he swapped rings with this chick (Socks lesbian engineering friend). They had the same size, she is crazy, he likes girls... So that was that and there we were.


Well, it just happens that Dave and I have the same ring size. I know I know, 6th gayest thing.


So we swapped and that was that. So my mission was now to swap rings back with her and end this circle jerk of jewelry.


Oh ya... I've only met this girl once. I was at this epic house party in the summer where my friends started throwing lit 2 foot sparklers into the 100 ft pine trees in their back yard. I remember now... that night fully ended with inappropriateness so I was told.


So it's my finger and her ring. I love my ring; it's one of my favorite things.


I also love my finger.


So if I cut off her ring, will I be be destroying one of her favorite things? Chances are: Not. And if the fucking ring doesn't come off; my finger just might.


In the end, I really don't want to have the hassle of getting a new ring if I kill this one. So guess I'll just wait and see if the swelling goes down.


Plus my uncle and cousin showed up and helped me stack the rest of the wood. Win.

Further Side #1

I Guess More Stickys Not That Bad

This years stache in light of Mustache For Kids was the best I've ever grown. You should have heard all the non-insults about halfway through. Ya, this year my stache respect was in high gear. People now know.

In the end, it was annoying

Alas it is December and the growing season is at its end. Friday is the Umteenth Mustache For Kids Stache Bash hosted downtown at Hooley's. There are bound to be 50 or so grown men in full facial bloom; a thing of beauty I might add. I would go to there if I were you.


It is the final checkpoint in the competition where the growers dress up to accentuate their mustaches. Common characters at this event are state troopers, Mario and Luigi, "The 70's" and pilots. This year I'm sure there will be several new costumes, unorthodox costumes that will bring smiles to the faces of many greasy men. I liked my costume last year; David Bowie from the movie Labyrinth if he had a mustache.

It was glorious
http://lechampiondumonde.com/parties/stache-bash-20091204/

Sadly, I will be not in attendance this year for I will be travelling to America. Yes, I am going to the land of the cheap booze, nacho cheese and heavenly NFL for what was deemed the Most Coveted, Expensive Seats This Season.


That aside, I needed to find a way to be in attendance for the finale. What could I do... right! Wax my stache and find a way to present it to the winner of the Kevin Janok Worst Mustache Award. I was the first recipient of such award back '08. 

Kid Rock and ya don't stop!
http://lechampiondumonde.com/parties/mustaches-for-kids-2008/

So, I put my money where my upper lip was and bought some Veet facial wax strips. Here's what happened. Enjoy.

Anyways, I then proceeded to make Shart (shitty art) with the pieces of dead cells which came from my face. Le sigh. This is what I had to work with:

A trip to Shoppers and 10 mins later, this. To the winner of the 2010 Kevin Janok Worst Mustache Award, I salute you.

Cheers,

Kevin Janok